That which I seek is also seeking me is a principle of the heart for me. If I remain true and connected to the vision in my heart, including with relationships, the hearts who carry the resonance of this same vision are also seeking me. It may be through a book, a professional meeting, over tea, sharing a meditation, or engaging in a coaching conversation, but the resonance of creating peaceful relationships, relationships with meaning, guides the unfolding connection.
Creating a vision for peaceful relationships takes time, energy and creative imagining – they don’t just happen. And these visions can grow and change as people do within the relationships.
When I help couples who are thinking about marriage or who are married, one of the questions I invite them to consider is what ‘vows’ they will make or have made to each other. I think of these ‘vows’ as guiding principles for the marriage which will support and serve as codes of behaviour in the way you seek to share and build and manifest your dreams and intimate relationship with each other. Even in significant friendships, core values, strengths and principles come into play if we want these friendships to grow, to be healthy and to fulfill our need for connection and love.
One of the greatest disconnects I hear among couples and even family members is the difference between ‘who you were’ and ‘who you are today.’ Probably there are strengths and core values that may still be part of the person when you met them or when you were both younger as siblings, for example. At the same time, how you have come to understand these core values and strengths, how you have come to live the habits associated with these strengths, how you have chosen interests or lifestyle choices related to these core values may have evolved.
We are all becoming. Life changes us. We lose jobs. We have a health crisis. We suddenly awaken to a new passion in a new career or hobby. We meet someone who meets us back heart to heart and we are changed. The inner essence of who we are wants to explore the potential of our hearts and of our capacity to love. Life provides these opportunities, often in ways we never expected. All kinds of life lessons will come our way and we will change as a consequence of how we engage with life and the lessons we gain. We evolve. We become more and more of the inner essence we came to discover and be.
The issue is that many layers often cover over, hide, even distort this true inner essence and so as this truth of who we are begins to surface, our family members, our friends, our lovers can sometimes feel betrayed and deeply angry and hurt with who we become. We have changed and the expectations and sometimes lack of shared guiding principles and vision for the relationship may leave them shipwrecked and heart-broken.
When I explore this dynamic with couples or family members in conflict, one key issue is that the expectations and the guiding principles (or vows) are viewed differently or rarely are articulated in a way they understand in the context of their lives. Vows and family ‘rules’ were made as a reflection of ‘who’ each of them were at that moment. Rarely, was a clear vision really shared with discussions about what guiding principles would support them as they change on their shared path.
If you want to create peaceful relationships, you need to have a shared vision with your partner, or family member, or friend. But you must first have some notion of what peaceful relationship means to you.
Some of you have started already to work at this vision of creating peaceful relationships with your purchase of Wisdom’s Way to Creating Peaceful Relationships: Your 2014 Working Guide. Thank you and I commend your efforts. This week, begin to really focus, reflect, imagine and write down what your vision for peaceful relationships includes. Remember, what you seek is also seeking you. The quality of your map is what creates more ease and clarity in your goals along the journey toward an evolving destination!
I have included a few questions to get you started (remember to include all the aspects of your life: social, community, health, hobbies, money/investing/budgets, education and personal growth, spirituality, family, friends, work/career):
- What areas do you want your relationship to grow in?
- What problem areas do you want to overcome?
- Do you have dreams that need to be included in your financial plans?
- How does each of you define your spirituality and the way of peace in your relationships?
Today’s blog, and especially the aforementioned questions, are indicative of the work you will be guided through in my new Wisdom’s Way to Creating Peaceful Relationships: Your 2014 Working Guide. It is now available for purchase online and at the Feathers, Rainbows & Roses office. The Working Guide includes a free 20 minute coaching session to help you move through a challenge or block. You might also consider making this theme the focus of a series of individual coaching sessions (and get the Working Guide for free!). So let’s get started!
For help in creating a sustaining and life-affirming vision of peaceful relationships, contact me at 519-886-6732 or via email at Shirley@shirleylynnmartin.com.
Shirley Lynn